Dealing with narcissistic and abusive behavior is one of the most challenging experiences anyone can face. While I’m no expert, my personal experience has shown me just how insidious and damaging these behaviors can be. Looking back at the dynamics of my past relationship, it’s clear how manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior unfolded, and how I allowed myself to become trapped in it. It wasn’t until I took a step back that I was able to truly see what was happening and understand the toxic patterns at play.
“The narcissist plays the victim when they are the perpetrator. The narcissist loves to tell lies because it keeps them in control. And when the narcissist can no longer control the narrative, they attack.” – Unknown
The Early Red Flags: Falling into the Trap of Manipulation
When I first entered into the relationship, I was determined to set clear boundaries. After experiencing emotional manipulation in a previous relationship, I swore I would never allow myself to be controlled or made to feel small again. So, when I met my ex, I made it clear that jealousy, controlling behavior, and emotional abuse were not something I would tolerate.
But the red flags were there right away. My body, my mind, and my soul knew something was wrong. I could feel that she was wearing a mask, pretending to be someone she wasn’t, and there were a lot of false elements about her. But my kindness and desire to love and show her the best of me made me ignore those initial warning signs. I convinced myself that I could be the person to help her heal, that I could provide her with the space she needed to be her authentic self.
At first, she was charming. The love-bombing was intense. She said all the right things, and I truly thought she was everything I had been looking for. But as the months passed, the facade began to crack, and the real person started to emerge.
The Cycle of Jealousy and Emotional Manipulation
The first big red flag came when I made a new platonic friend, a female I was close to. I thought nothing of it, but my ex became extremely jealous. She started with little comments and passive-aggressive remarks, which escalated into emotional abuse. I remember clearly the first time she screamed at me, belittling me and making me feel like her behaviour was all my fault. The jealousy, the control, and the emotional manipulation were all there. And as the relationship went on, I was gaslit into believing that her behavior was justified.
I told myself that she was just protecting me because she loved me so much, but in reality, what she was showing was her deep insecurity and need to control me. She didn’t want me to have female friends. If anyone reached out to me, she would accuse them of wanting me or trying to take me away from her. Eventually, I convinced myself that I didn’t need any other friendships, and I isolated myself from everyone to make her feel secure.
The Escalation: Emotional Abuse and Violent Behavior
As time went on, the situation became even more volatile. One day, when I tried to spend time with a friend, I came home to find her furious. I tried to explain that I had just gone for a hike and nothing more, but she became enraged, yelling obscene language at me and getting in my face. It felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, and in that moment, I knew she had the potential for violence. The emotional abuse escalated into verbal aggression, and she even threatened physical harm.
She told me stories about how she had been violent in past relationships, but I thought I was different. I thought I could bring out the good in her. I believed that if I loved her enough, I could somehow keep her from showing her worst side. But that belief led me to a place where I was not only emotionally drained but also isolated from everyone who cared about me.
I became so focused on “saving” her, on showing her the love I thought she needed, that I lost myself in the process. I isolated myself from my friends, from my family, and from the very parts of myself that made me who I was.
Realizing the Truth: Narcissistic Traits and Gaslighting
Eventually, I found out about her infidelity, which was the breaking point for me. When I asked her to buy me out of the house we had built together, she laughed. She was so convinced that everything we built was hers to keep, and she believed that she was entitled to it all. In that moment, I saw the full extent of her narcissistic behavior. She didn’t care about me, she cared about control.
Her narcissistic traits became impossible to ignore. She had no empathy for the pain she caused, and whenever I confronted her, she would use emotional manipulation to deflect the blame. She wanted to control the narrative, to make sure everyone saw her in a certain light—perfect, calm, and collected, while I was left to carry the weight of the lies and manipulation.
The Struggle of Leaving and Moving Forward
As difficult as it was to admit, I know now that I co-created that toxic relationship. I didn’t hold my boundaries, and I let myself get drawn into her drama. But I don’t see myself as a victim. I allowed it to happen, and I didn’t walk away when I should have. I didn’t protect myself the way I should have.
But now, after everything, I’m learning to be kind and compassionate with myself. I didn’t deserve the treatment I received, but I also didn’t stand up for myself the way I should have. I’m working through that shame and guilt, but I also know that my love for her was real. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t love her; the problem was that she was incapable of returning that love in a healthy way.
The Importance of Self-Awareness: Recognizing Narcissistic Behavior
What I’ve learned from this experience is that narcissistic behavior is often about control. It’s about feeding the ego and maintaining power. Narcissists tend to discard people once they no longer serve their needs, moving on to the next person to control. For me, this meant that once she realised I was ready to leave, she immediately sought out someone else to fill the void and continue the cycle.
But my journey now is about healing, taking responsibility for my part in the relationship, and rebuilding myself. I’ve learned that while narcissists are excellent at hiding their true selves, their behavior eventually reveals their character. Now, I see the truth of her actions and how much of her behavior was rooted in insecurity and fear of losing control.
“Narcissistic abuse is insidious, the kind of abuse that happens when you’re not paying attention. It’s all in the small things—what they say, how they act, how they make you feel. It’s all designed to chip away at your self-worth and control you.” – Unknown
Breaking Free from the Cycle of Abuse
The hardest part is recognizing that I’m still stuck in some of the cycles of abuse because she’s refusing to allow me to move on. She’s refusing to settle and be fair, which keeps me tethered to her in a way that doesn’t serve me. But I’m ready to break free. I’m ready to take back what’s mine and move on with my life, with a newfound understanding of myself and the patterns I allowed.
No one deserves to stay stuck in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship. It’s essential to recognize the signs early on and set strong boundaries. It’s never too late to walk away from something that doesn’t serve your well-being. And no matter how much you’ve loved someone, you owe it to yourself to protect your emotional safety and happiness.
Protecting Her and Hiding the Truth
I look back and realize how much I tried to protect her. I allowed her to project her ugliest and most hurtful parts onto me, keeping everything hidden. The worst part is that I never told anyone about what was really going on in the relationship. If you find yourself in a situation where you can’t be open with others about what’s happening in your relationship, that’s a glaring sign that something isn’t right.
The Return of Emotional Strain
After I left, she chased me. At the time, I was working on myself, finally achieving some stability in my mental health. But when she re-entered my life, I felt myself deteriorating. The emotional strain she caused was overwhelming. After she cheated, her insecurity grew even stronger. She became obsessed with the fear of me leaving her, constantly calling and texting. If I didn’t respond right away, she would become frantic. This was a recurring pattern in our relationship.
Instead of her offering me security and peace, I was the one reassuring her, trying to calm her down. That dynamic was exhausting, and it took a toll on me. Eventually, I knew I had to end things for good, and I did so in the kindest way I could, but the calls kept coming. After I told her to stop, it didn’t take long before she was back with her affair partner.
The Narcissistic Need for Control
People with narcissistic tendencies cannot be alone. They can’t sit with their own guilt or shame, nor can they take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they build facades—stories that label them as the victim, and their partner as the villain. That’s exactly what she did. She needed everyone to believe she was innocent so she could maintain that false image.
When I reached out to finally discuss our property settlement, I tried to approach it respectfully, but all I received in return was a barrage of abuse and emotional manipulation. She called me disgusting names, told me she was still in love with me, and insisted that the affair wasn’t what I thought it was. She was doing everything she could to provoke me, to get some kind of reaction. But all she got was calmness and kindness from me.
Losing Control and the Final Boundaries
Eventually, when the calls became relentless again, I had to tell her to leave me alone and communicate via email. She had lost control over me, and without that control, her emotional instability took over. Her worst self was revealed, and it became crystal clear. The gaslighting, manipulation, and stonewalling intensified.
The Power of Separation in Abuse
She continues to deny me closure and refuses to give me what is rightfully mine, emotionally and legally. The threats, the volatility, the attempts to keep control—this is what she had left. We don’t talk enough about how abusers use separation as a tool to maintain control, to keep the other person emotionally tethered to them. The last time we spoke, she told me she wasn’t ready to let me go—and I felt that.
After a year of separation, she still hasn’t let me go. But today marks one year since I found out about her infidelity and chose to leave, reclaiming my life and myself in the process. I know that while I’m still tied to her legally, it won’t last forever. I’m done. I’m just waiting for her to finally let go.
Books on Narcissistic Abuse and Healing:
- “Healing from Narcissistic Abuse” by Shahida Arabi
- Source: Arabi, S. (2015). Healing from Narcissistic Abuse. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
- Available on Amazon.
- “Disarming the Narcissist” by Wendy T. Behary
- Source: Behary, W. T. (2013). Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed. New Harbinger Publications.
- Available on Amazon.
- “The Narcissist’s Playbook” by Dana Morningstar
- Source: Morningstar, D. (2020). The Narcissist’s Playbook: Identifying the Narcissist’s Tactics and How to Break Free. Independently published.
- Available on Amazon.
- “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk
- Source: van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
- Available on Amazon.
- “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by Lundy Bancroft
- Source: Bancroft, L. (2002). Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Understanding Whether to Stay in or Leave a Relationship. Berkley Books.
- Available on Amazon.
Supportive Websites for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
- Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Center
Offers therapy, coaching, and support for survivors of narcissistic abuse, focusing on trauma-informed care and rebuilding confidence.
🔗 https://narctrauma.com/ - Thrive After Abuse
Led by licensed psychotherapist Dana Morningstar, this platform provides resources, podcasts, and guidance for healing from narcissistic abuse.
🔗 https://www.thriveafterabuse.com/ - Narcissistic Abuse Support
Provides comprehensive resources for understanding and overcoming narcissistic abuse, including strategies for coping and healing.
🔗 https://narcissistabusesupport.com/ - Narcissistic Abuse Rehab
Offers expert coaching, resources, and support for individuals recovering from narcissistic abuse.
🔗 https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/ - I Believe Your Abuse
Provides resources, support groups, and information to help individuals discover, escape, and heal from narcissistic abuse.
🔗 https://www.ibelieveyourabuse.com/
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline website: www.thehotline.org.
- Offers resources for those experiencing all types of abuse, including emotional and narcissistic abuse.
Podcast recommendations for narcissistic and emotionally abusive relationships:
Jay Shetty – “On Purpose” Podcast
- “How to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse and Let Go of Your Past”
- Episode: How to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse and Let Go of Your Past
- Description: In this episode, Jay Shetty dives deep into understanding the impact of narcissistic abuse and emotional manipulation in relationships. He discusses the importance of healing, letting go, and reclaiming your own power.
- “Why Vulnerability Is the Key to Emotional Healing”
- Episode: Why Vulnerability Is the Key to Emotional Healing
- Description: Jay talks about vulnerability as a strength and how being vulnerable can help us break free from emotional pain. This is key for those recovering from narcissistic abuse, as it teaches you to reconnect with your emotions and allow yourself to heal.
Mel Robbins – “The Mel Robbins Podcast”
- “How to Set Boundaries and Stop People-Pleasing”
- Episode: How to Set Boundaries and Stop People-Pleasing
- Description: Mel Robbins discusses the importance of setting healthy boundaries, especially when you’ve been in toxic or abusive relationships. She teaches how to stop people-pleasing and prioritize yourself, which is essential for anyone recovering from emotional manipulation.
- “How to Recognize Emotional Manipulation and What to Do About It”
- Episode: How to Recognize Emotional Manipulation and What to Do About It
- Description: Mel explains how emotional manipulation works and provides practical advice on how to recognize and combat it. This episode will resonate with anyone who has experienced gaslighting or emotional abuse.
Steven Bartlett – “The Diary of a CEO” Podcast
- “Why Narcissism and Manipulation Have Become So Prevalent in Society”
- Episode: Why Narcissism and Manipulation Have Become So Prevalent in Society
- Description: In this episode, Steven Bartlett explores the rise of narcissistic behavior and emotional manipulation in modern society. He also discusses how individuals can protect themselves and break free from toxic relationships.
- “How to Deal with Emotional Trauma and Find Inner Peace”
- Episode: How to Deal with Emotional Trauma and Find Inner Peace
- Description: Steven and his guests talk about processing emotional trauma and using it as a source of strength for personal growth. This episode is helpful for anyone recovering from emotional abuse, as it provides actionable steps to healing.
Lewis Howes – “The School of Greatness” Podcast
- “How to Recover from Toxic Relationships and Heal Your Heart”
- Episode: How to Recover from Toxic Relationships and Heal Your Heart
- Description: Lewis Howes interviews experts on how to recover from toxic relationships, set boundaries, and rebuild your emotional health. This episode provides inspiration and practical advice for anyone healing from narcissistic abuse.
- “Letting Go of Your Past and Stepping Into Your Power”
- Episode: Letting Go of Your Past and Stepping Into Your Power
- Description: This episode focuses on how to release the emotional baggage of past relationships, including toxic and narcissistic ones. Lewis discusses the steps to take control of your life again and rediscover your sense of self-worth.
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