The irony of seeking answers for a marriage I didn’t break — and finding clarity I didn’t expect.
When my marriage broke after betrayal, I thought learning to communicate better would fix it. What I didn’t expect was that the communication I needed most was with myself.
I first heard about James Gill — most people know him as “Fish” from Lead by Heart — through my ex-wife. After her infidelity came out and we decided to work on our marriage, someone recommended him to her.
She didn’t pursue it, but I started listening to podcasts where he was a guest and following his Instagram videos. I couldn’t believe how much of his work resonated. It wasn’t shiny self-help or bypassing advice — it was the way I already tried to communicate, but deeper.
That’s when I decided to join his 9-week group coaching program. I told myself I was doing it to help our marriage, to learn tools that would bring us closer. The irony is, it didn’t end up teaching me how to communicate with my ex-wife. It taught me how to communicate with myself.
Entering Coaching With Hope
When I signed up, I was hopeful. I wanted us to rebuild, to find a way through the pain. My ex-wife even sat in on two of the calls. To say she was disinterested is an understatement. At one point, when I tried using something I’d learned during one of our arguments, she rolled her eyes and said, “You’re just using what you learnt on me.”
Um, yes. That was the point.
But that moment was also a wake-up call. Because while I was showing up to every call, doing the work, reflecting, and learning, she wasn’t with me in it. It was just me.
Learning To Communicate With Myself
One thing Fish said that really stuck with me was this:
“How can we even begin to understand someone else’s experience if we don’t understand our own?”
That landed hard. I had been so focused on making our relationship work that I hadn’t paused to ask myself: Are my needs being met? Can my ex actually show up for me?
The answer was painful. I was carrying both the betrayal wound and the relationship. Alone. And in trying to hold it all, I was shrinking myself to make her more comfortable.
Through coaching, I realised I wasn’t willing to hold her guilt and shame for her. She couldn’t hold it, and neither could I. What I could hold — and finally did — was my own truth.
The Hard Truth About Accountability
My ex wanted to rewrite the story: she wasn’t the villain, she was somehow the victim. That might have made it easier for her to avoid responsibility, but it wasn’t authentic to me.
Fish’s coaching taught me that bypassing reality only creates more distance. And I didn’t want distance anymore. I wanted alignment.
So I made a choice. Not to stay in a relationship that required me to keep shrinking, but to stand in my own experience.
The Lasting Lessons
What I learned in those nine weeks has shaped every relationship I’ve had since — family, friends, and new romantic connections.
- Two things can co-exist: my truth and their truth. It doesn’t have to be right or wrong.
- Intentions don’t erase impact. I may mean well, but if my actions hurt someone, I can hold space for their pain without collapsing into shame.
- Conflict doesn’t have to destroy connection. In fact, conflict can be the doorway to deeper understanding if we’re willing to sit with it.
I don’t believe anymore that anyone is “doing something to me.” People are just unskillfully expressing a need or pain. And I can hold space for that — while still staying anchored in my own experience.
Pause & Reflect
- Where in your life are you shrinking yourself for someone else’s comfort?
- Do you listen to your own needs before trying to understand others?
- When conflict arises, do you see it as a chance to connect — or something to avoid?
Take a moment to journal on these. Sometimes the shift starts simply by being honest with yourself.
Why I Recommend Conscious Communication
Joining Lead by Heart’s group coaching was worth every cent. Honestly, I’m still receiving dividends from it today. Conscious communication doesn’t always save relationships, but sometimes it saves you.
If you’re curious, check out James Gill’s coaching at Lead by Heart, listen to the podcasts he’s featured on, or scroll through his Instagram for a taste of his wisdom.
And if you want to dive deeper into your own communication, I recommend:
- Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
- Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
- Guided Journals for Self-Reflection
Because at the end of the day, the way we communicate with others will always start with how we communicate with ourselves.
Share Your Story
Has communication — or the lack of it — shifted a relationship in your life? I’d love to hear your story. You can choose whether it stays private or is shared on The Inner Growth Path. Either way, I’ll hold space for it. [Submit Your Story Here →]
