I was inspired to write this blog after listening to a podcast by Jay Shetty called “Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People.” I absolutely love his work, and this episode struck me deeply—probably because it mirrored so many conversations I’ve been having with friends lately.
We all say we want someone safe, steady, and consistent. Someone whose actions align with their words. Yet, many of us keep finding ourselves drawn to the exact opposite—people who trigger old wounds, stir up anxiety, and recreate familiar patterns of feeling unsafe.
Why do we confuse stress with love? Why do we call chaos chemistry? And why do we walk away from stability, only to tell ourselves, “This is boring”?
The truth is: our nervous system often rejects what feels unfamiliar, even if what’s unfamiliar is safety.
“We confuse inconsistency with excitement, and stability with boredom.”
Choosing Familiar Stress Over Unfamiliar Safety
So many of us unconsciously choose what feels familiar, even if it hurts. We repeat old patterns because our bodies confuse the familiar with love.
- Consistency feels foreign.
- Kindness feels unsettling.
- Safety feels “boring.”
But if we’re honest with ourselves, what we’re really seeking isn’t the rush of excitement or anxiety—it’s comfort, peace, and a steady love that doesn’t leave us second-guessing.
I’ve been guilty of this myself. I used to joke that I was always drawn to “a little bit of crazy.” Toxic energy felt exciting. It was a pattern I laughed about with friends and family, but deep down, it wasn’t funny—it was unhealed parts of me calling in relationships that mirrored my wounds.
Now, I ask better questions:
- What unhealed part of me is attracted to this?
- What wound is this person reflecting back to me that feels familiar, even if it’s unsafe?
Why We Settle for Less Than We Deserve
Jay Shetty outlined three powerful reasons why we settle for less than we truly deserve.
- Fear of being alone.
The pain of loneliness feels greater than the pain of settling—until it’s not. We forget that the suffering we “know” feels safer than the happiness we haven’t yet experienced. - Confusing mediocrity with destiny.
When you’ve lived with the bare minimum for long enough, average starts to feel like the standard. We normalize mediocrity and call it “just how things are.” - Believing we don’t deserve better.
So many of us have been taught to shrink, to stay small, to fit in. If you’ve never experienced consistent, unconditional love, a part of you may struggle to believe you’re worthy of it.
The truth? You do deserve love that is steady, nurturing, and real. But first, you have to believe it’s possible for you.
Outsourcing Our Decisions: The Danger of Other People’s Opinions
Another point Jay made really resonated with me: we put too much weight on other people’s opinions when it comes to our relationships.
When you ask others for advice, they respond from their own fears, insecurities, and experiences. If they don’t believe in safe, consistent love, they may project that onto you.
Jay said something powerful: “When we ask for someone’s opinion, we mistake it for a prediction of our future. In reality, it’s just a reflection of their past.”
Only you know how you feel with this person. Only you know if their actions align with their words. Outsourcing your happiness is a dangerous game—it can cause you to walk away from the right person, simply because someone else couldn’t see what you see.
Chemistry Is Not Enough
One of the most eye-opening reminders from the podcast was this: chemistry is not enough.
- We confuse inconsistency with excitement.
- We confuse stability with boredom.
- We confuse attention with love.
- We confuse effort with desperation.
But real love—the kind that builds a life—requires more than sparks. It needs emotional availability, consistency, stability, and self-worth. The early rush of stress and attraction is not a foundation.
Fast forward 5 to 10 years: what you’ll want isn’t drama, it’s peace. You’ll want a partner who checks in, who shows up, who grows with you. The real “chemistry” is found in comfort, not chaos.
Intuition vs. Insecurity
Another distinction Jay made was between intuition and insecurity:
- Insecurity is when past wounds cloud how we see the present.
- Intuition is the quiet knowing based on reality, not fear.
The right person will hold up a mirror to you. Not in a judgmental or cruel way, but in a compassionate, safe way. They’ll reflect your growth edges, and allow you to do the same for them. That’s real intimacy.
Love Is Choosing Each Other, Again and Again
There is no perfect partner. Love isn’t about never struggling—it’s about being willing to sit in the discomfort, grow through challenges, and keep choosing each other.
A true partnership isn’t about fixing each other. It’s about walking side by side while you both heal and evolve. It’s about allowing one another to change and fall in love again with who your partner is becoming.
Real love is steady, consistent, safe—and yes, it may feel unfamiliar at first. But if you’re brave enough to let go of the familiar chaos, you’ll discover that what your soul has been craving all along isn’t excitement. It’s peace.
“I don’t want love that feels like chaos anymore. I want peace, consistency, and a teammate who chooses me as much as I choose them.” — Sy
Reflection Questions for You:
- Do you confuse inconsistency with excitement?
- What part of you feels “unsafe” when someone shows up consistently?
- Do you believe you deserve a steady, nurturing love—or are you still settling for less?
📌 If you’d like to listen to the podcast that inspired this reflection, here’s the link: Jay Shetty – Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People
