If you’re new to this, I’d recommend starting here:
[Nervous System Regulation: A Trauma-Informed Guide to Healing When Your Whole Life Falls Apart]
Window of Tolerance Explained: The Moment I Realised Something Was Off
For a long time, I didn’t realise anything was wrong.
But hindsight is a powerful thing.
Looking back now, I can see how small my window of tolerance had become, especially after everything I had experienced. At the time, I just thought it was me. That I was irrational. That I was the problem.
It wasn’t until the last couple of years, through therapy and doing my own inner work, that I started to see it clearly.
I would swing between extremes.
“Healing isn’t about forcing calm. It’s about creating safety.”– Sy
One moment I felt deeply low — depressed, heavy, stuck in really dark thoughts.
The next, I was reactive, overwhelmed, unable to rationalise what I was feeling compared to what was actually happening.
It became especially obvious in a healthy relationship.
Nothing had changed… but I felt like everything had.
A small shift in energy felt catastrophic. My mind would run with it, and I couldn’t communicate clearly or calmly. And that was the most frustrating part, knowing something wasn’t right, but not being able to access a grounded version of myself.
What the Window of Tolerance Actually Means
The “window of tolerance” is a concept developed by Dr. Dan Siegel.
It describes the state where your nervous system feels safe, regulated, and able to cope with life.
Inside your window:
- You can think clearly
- You can communicate effectively
- You feel present and grounded
Outside your window, you move into survival states:
🔴 Hyperarousal (Overwhelmed)
- anxiety
- irritability
- emotional flooding
- reactivity
🔵 Hypoarousal (Shutdown)
- numbness
- withdrawal
- disconnection
- exhaustion
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in The Body Keeps the Score, explains how trauma lives in the body — not just the mind.
Which means:
👉 This isn’t about being “too emotional”
👉 It’s about your nervous system trying to protect you
When Everything Feels Too Much (Hyperarousal)
When I’m overwhelmed, everything feels like too much.
I become reactive. Easily triggered. Emotional.
And the key thing is, I can’t rationalise.
At the time, it feels completely real.
I cry. I feel intense. My thoughts spiral. My body feels like it’s in overdrive.
I’m not in my usual, reasonable state, even though I know what that state feels like.
When I Shut Down Completely (Hypoarousal)
On the other side of that… I disappear.
I go quiet. I withdraw. I feel nothing.
I avoid people. I isolate.
And this is where the really dark thoughts creep in.
It’s heavy. It’s empty. It’s hard to move forward.
Even though I know I need to get back to a regulated state, it feels almost impossible when I’m there.
And the hardest part?
I don’t recognise myself.
The Switch That Made Me Feel Like a Stranger to Myself
The shift between these states is unpredictable.
Anxious → numb
Reactive → distant
It’s erratic.
That’s the only way I can describe it.
And this is where relationships really expose it.
Because you can’t hide in relationships, especially when you care deeply.
How This Showed Up in My Relationships
I would pull away quickly.
Almost too quickly.
The moment something felt overwhelming, I’d go:
👉 “This is too much. I’m done.”
Not because I didn’t care, but because my nervous system couldn’t handle it.
I overreacted. Misread situations.
I felt unsafe… even when nothing was actually wrong.
Safety itself became a trigger.
And that’s something people don’t always understand about PTSD.
The Shift: This Isn’t My Personality — It’s My Nervous System
This changed everything for me.
Because for so long, I thought:
👉 “This is just who I am now.”
That I was the problem. That I shouldn’t be in relationships.
But through therapy, reading, journaling, and honestly just sitting with myself, I started to understand:
👉 This isn’t my personality
👉 This is my nervous system trying to protect me
Carl Jung speaks about bringing the unconscious into awareness.
And that’s exactly what this felt like.
Seeing the patterns.
Owning them.
Not judging them.
What Actually Helped Me (Not the Generic Advice)
Let me be clear.
Being told to:
- “just calm down”
- “you’re overreacting”
- “control yourself”
…does not help.
If anything, it makes it worse.
What actually helped me:
- Self-compassion (learning not to attack myself)
- Understanding what was happening in my body
- Movement — getting out of my head and into my body
- Routine — structure makes me feel safe
- Safe people — not perfect people, safe people
Even small disruptions, like an unexpected bill or phone call, can push me outside my window.
And that’s something I’ve had to learn to respect, not shame.
What Most People Get Wrong About Trauma Responses
People forget what you’ve been through.
They see you as you are now, not what your nervous system has lived through.
And there’s often no grace for that.
But here’s what I believe now:
👉 Yes to the feelings
👉 No to harmful behaviour
We can hold both.
We can have compassion for someone’s pain while still holding them accountable.
The Deeper Layer: What Your Nervous System Is Protecting
Your nervous system isn’t random.
It’s protecting something.
For me, it’s:
- fear
- past wounds
- identity
- ego
- parts of myself I haven’t fully faced yet
This is where shadow work comes in.
👉 For more on this, read:
[What Shadow Work Really Is (and Isn’t)]
Because a lot of this lives beneath the surface.
What I Would Say to You (If You Feel This Too)
You’re not broken.
You’re not “too much”.
Your nervous system has just learned to survive in a world that once didn’t feel safe.
And it’s still trying to protect you.
But healing is learning:
👉 you don’t need to stay in survival mode forever
Where to Go From Here
👉 What Dysregulation Actually Feels Like (The Signs No One Talks About)
👉 When You Look Calm but Your Body Is at War: A Personal Moment With PTSD That No One Saw
Roadmap to reclaim yourself starts here:
If this resonated with you, you’re not alone in this.
I’ve created something to help you start making sense of it:
👉 Download: The Emotional Recovery Starter Guide
(A gentle starting point to understand your patterns and begin rebuilding safely)
FAQ:
What is the window of tolerance?
The window of tolerance is the range where your nervous system feels safe, calm, and able to function effectively.
Why do I feel overwhelmed or shut down?
These are trauma responses — hyperarousal (overwhelm) and hypoarousal (shutdown) — when your nervous system moves outside its safe range.
Can the window of tolerance be expanded?
Yes. Through therapy, somatic practices, safe relationships, and nervous system regulation.
Is this PTSD or something else?
It can be linked to PTSD, trauma, chronic stress, or nervous system dysregulation.
Resources for Trauma Healing, Regulation & Shadow Work
These are some of the books and tools that fit naturally with this work. They support nervous system regulation, trauma recovery, sleep, self-awareness, and the deeper process of meeting the parts of yourself that are still carrying pain.
Some of the links below are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you choose to purchase through them, at no extra cost to you. I only share resources that feel genuinely aligned with healing, reflection, and rebuilding.
Owning Your Own Shadow
A thoughtful and accessible introduction to the shadow self, projection, repression, and the parts of ourselves we avoid but still act from.
Explore BookTrack and Transform: Somatic Tracking Journal
A supportive tool for noticing body sensations, tracking nervous system states, and building more awareness around what your body is holding and how it responds.
Explore JournalWeighted Blanket
A simple regulation tool that can help the body feel more grounded, supported, and calm — especially when sleep and safety feel difficult.
Explore ToolThe Body Keeps the Score
A foundational read for understanding how trauma lives in the body, affects the nervous system, and shapes emotional and physical experience.
Explore Book
